Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Here We Go
I knew someday I would get around to this . . . So, before I get back on track and start actually tracking my daily progress, food, and workouts, let me just start out with some background info . . .
I have never been a "thin" person. Even as a smaller child I was always bigger than the rest of the kids in my class, not really over weight, but definitely chunky. Although, now that I look back on some of my high school pictures, I wasn't really as large as I thought I was, or maybe it's just the fact that I got much larger after that. My parents kept us well fed, and what we ate, diets, and etc. were topics of conversation everyday it felt like. My mom was always worried about her weight, and so was my dad, as he had to keep a certain weight for the military. I remember sneaking food and soda in large amounts! But even though my parents were fascinated with their own weight issues, they never seemed to do much about mine or my sisters. We weren't exactly pushed to be very active. So, I wasn't . . . active.
At one point when I was 18 I was doing nothing but partying and hanging out all night, and didn't have much time to eat. I lost 30lb. in a month, and was at the thinnest I've ever been. It wasn't really a healthy look though. I just looked like a scary drug addict. Jess and all my other friends told me quite often how "gross" I looked. One friend even told me my shoulders looked like gargoyle wings. I stayed that way until I was 20 and pregnant with my daughter, but even after I had Gabby, I only had 15lbs. to lose to be back at pre-pregnancy weight. That didn't quite happen though. I had major post-pardem depression, I had a jerk living with us who could eat anything he wanted and not gain a pound, and I ate right along with him. I gained weight instead of losing it.
That jerk eventually moved out and I started dating another guy who loved food as much as I did . . . do . . . Our favorite past time was going to eat somewhere. I eventually ballooned up to 240lbs. The biggest I have ever been, and never will be again, hopefully.
The first time I saw a picture of myself at 240 lbs. I was mortified. I couldn't believe that I had let myself go so far. One problem was I had a man who thought I was the sexiest thing alive at any weight, so that's how I felt . . . sexy, until I saw pictures of myself, or I stood next to someone thinner than me. There wasn't much incentive to do anything about it. Those pictures though, well, those pictures would change everything. One of those pictures is the very first post on this blog.
I joined a gym. I started working out and I lost 50lbs. Then I went to visit Jess in DC, came home, ended my relationship, and it was the holidays, and I gained 20lbs. in a month. In Februrary of 2003, I was working out on the elliptical trainer and I just knew that I wasn't able to do this on my own. I had just gotten my income tax check, so I went to meet the man who would change my life forever in more ways than I could ever imagine. Funny how that first day I met Aaron the Beast I just thought he was a cute kid, and had no idea what I was getting myself into.
I nearly died those first few months. I had never been active in my life . . . ever . . . so it wasn't just like trying to get back to something I had known before. I had no idea about any of those muscles that now are hard as rocks. I sweated and I cried and I had to eat pretty much nothing. I did so well in the beginning. I asked lots of questions and got back to remembering how much I had loved stuff like anatomy and physiology in high school. I actually found joy in seeing and feeling my muscles work (the food thing still wasn't making me too happy though). I lost about 30 pounds in that first year. Making my total weight loss from when I was doing it on my own to about 70 or 80 lbs. But I also learned that your weight is not important at all. Sure it makes you feel really good to get on the scale and see that you've lost some pounds, but more important is your body fat percentage and inches lost, and lean muscle gained. In fact it's possible when you're working out and lifting weights to gain some weight because muscle weighs more than fat. I lost 7 inches from my waist alone, and I went down from a size 20 to a 12.
Somewhere along the line though I kind of gave up. I never did very well on the whole food thing. It's really hard for me, and I've had to kind of accept the fact that I have a food addiction as silly as that sounds. I still worked out with Aaron the Beast two to three times a week, but since the beginning of 2004 I've been pretty much in the same place. I haven't been able to get back to the same size or smaller than my "after" picture that hangs on the wall at the gym (third post on the blog). When you've never ever been active and start working out, you'll lost weight really quickly without changing your eating habits drastically, but that will eventually catch up with you. The food part is 70%! And this is when I should have stayed on top of things, instead of thinking, "I've lost all this weight, and I've still been eating some things that I shouldn't". That doesn't last for long, and then I should have really paid attention to what it is that I put in my body everyday.
Now this year, I've had some upsets with having to change trainers (all of which is told on my regular blog Que?). The trainer, Ray Ray, who would become my last trainer has completely changed the way that I want to think. I don't have the money anymore to keep training, so I'm on my own, and the last thing I want to do is disappoint Aaron the Beast, or Ray Ray . . . or myself, but I have a problem.
My problem is that I don't have will power. None. I can't make myself do anything. I think about what it is that I'm supposed to eat, and I think about going into the gym, but I always find excuses. Ray Ray has been giving me workouts when I go to the gym to help me out, but now, I haven't even been to the gym in almost 2 weeks. I feel like this will never happen. I will never in my life know what it feels like to be thinner and healthy. Which has become so important to me. I love the energy and mindset I have when I'm eating right and working out. I love the fact that I'm stronger than most women, and some men. It gives me such a high, but I can't seem to remember that feeling when I'm sitting in Zios with Josh and Gabby and sucking down pasta.
I'm easily influenced by other people, too. Everyone else isn't as worried about this kind of stuff. I get influenced by my friends at work who love to eat all day long, and Josh and I have fallen into a pattern of eating out together ALL the time. My mom is constantly trying to feed me, and actually gets mad when I don't want to eat. And I have a hard time relating to other people about this stuff because I don't know other people who are as interested in this stuff as me.
So, now I know that I need to get back to basics. I need to go back to the beginning of my training with Aaron the Beast and start doing the things that work. Like having to write down everything that I eat everyday, and being accountable for it because someone else will see it (like anyone who reads this, although, unlike Aaron the Beast you won't be able to embarrass me by shouting, "YOU ATE CHEESE ENCHILADAS!" so everyone in the gym can hear you), and I need to write down my workouts, and I need to simply TRY!
I have also decided that I DO really love anything that deals with health and the human body, and I want to get certified to be a personal trainer and help other people. I can't very well be training people if I'm not healthy myself. It's a little hypocritical. And, my dream would be to someday own my own gym.
This blog is the best way I know right now to get back to basics, and maybe some random blog person will wander across this site and I can help them, too. To anyone who has never known what it's like to reach 240lbs. and be somebody you don't even recognize, this may all seem very trivial or maybe a little neurotic, and maybe it is . . . but for now, hopefully I can find some kind help for myself by doing it this way . . .
Tomorrow starts a new day. One thing I've learned is that you can't say, "I'll wait till Monday", after you've already ruined your diet or workout for the week . . . you have to get up and try to get back on the ball everyday, and try not to beat yourself up over eating a brownie tower at an Italian restaurant.
My little disclaimer here is that there is no easy way to get in shape. It's hard work, and you didn't gain weight over night, IT WILL NOT COME OFF OVER NIGHT! Everything I do is done the right way. It's a lifestyle change. The word DIET has gotten a bad rap. A diet is not something you go on. It's simply 'what you eat'. I don't take pills and I don't starve myself. I work out hard, and sweat, and have almost had to crawl out of the gym, but I, you will always feel ten times better once you do, and that's the feeling I have to remember!
I have never been a "thin" person. Even as a smaller child I was always bigger than the rest of the kids in my class, not really over weight, but definitely chunky. Although, now that I look back on some of my high school pictures, I wasn't really as large as I thought I was, or maybe it's just the fact that I got much larger after that. My parents kept us well fed, and what we ate, diets, and etc. were topics of conversation everyday it felt like. My mom was always worried about her weight, and so was my dad, as he had to keep a certain weight for the military. I remember sneaking food and soda in large amounts! But even though my parents were fascinated with their own weight issues, they never seemed to do much about mine or my sisters. We weren't exactly pushed to be very active. So, I wasn't . . . active.
At one point when I was 18 I was doing nothing but partying and hanging out all night, and didn't have much time to eat. I lost 30lb. in a month, and was at the thinnest I've ever been. It wasn't really a healthy look though. I just looked like a scary drug addict. Jess and all my other friends told me quite often how "gross" I looked. One friend even told me my shoulders looked like gargoyle wings. I stayed that way until I was 20 and pregnant with my daughter, but even after I had Gabby, I only had 15lbs. to lose to be back at pre-pregnancy weight. That didn't quite happen though. I had major post-pardem depression, I had a jerk living with us who could eat anything he wanted and not gain a pound, and I ate right along with him. I gained weight instead of losing it.
That jerk eventually moved out and I started dating another guy who loved food as much as I did . . . do . . . Our favorite past time was going to eat somewhere. I eventually ballooned up to 240lbs. The biggest I have ever been, and never will be again, hopefully.
The first time I saw a picture of myself at 240 lbs. I was mortified. I couldn't believe that I had let myself go so far. One problem was I had a man who thought I was the sexiest thing alive at any weight, so that's how I felt . . . sexy, until I saw pictures of myself, or I stood next to someone thinner than me. There wasn't much incentive to do anything about it. Those pictures though, well, those pictures would change everything. One of those pictures is the very first post on this blog.
I joined a gym. I started working out and I lost 50lbs. Then I went to visit Jess in DC, came home, ended my relationship, and it was the holidays, and I gained 20lbs. in a month. In Februrary of 2003, I was working out on the elliptical trainer and I just knew that I wasn't able to do this on my own. I had just gotten my income tax check, so I went to meet the man who would change my life forever in more ways than I could ever imagine. Funny how that first day I met Aaron the Beast I just thought he was a cute kid, and had no idea what I was getting myself into.
I nearly died those first few months. I had never been active in my life . . . ever . . . so it wasn't just like trying to get back to something I had known before. I had no idea about any of those muscles that now are hard as rocks. I sweated and I cried and I had to eat pretty much nothing. I did so well in the beginning. I asked lots of questions and got back to remembering how much I had loved stuff like anatomy and physiology in high school. I actually found joy in seeing and feeling my muscles work (the food thing still wasn't making me too happy though). I lost about 30 pounds in that first year. Making my total weight loss from when I was doing it on my own to about 70 or 80 lbs. But I also learned that your weight is not important at all. Sure it makes you feel really good to get on the scale and see that you've lost some pounds, but more important is your body fat percentage and inches lost, and lean muscle gained. In fact it's possible when you're working out and lifting weights to gain some weight because muscle weighs more than fat. I lost 7 inches from my waist alone, and I went down from a size 20 to a 12.
Somewhere along the line though I kind of gave up. I never did very well on the whole food thing. It's really hard for me, and I've had to kind of accept the fact that I have a food addiction as silly as that sounds. I still worked out with Aaron the Beast two to three times a week, but since the beginning of 2004 I've been pretty much in the same place. I haven't been able to get back to the same size or smaller than my "after" picture that hangs on the wall at the gym (third post on the blog). When you've never ever been active and start working out, you'll lost weight really quickly without changing your eating habits drastically, but that will eventually catch up with you. The food part is 70%! And this is when I should have stayed on top of things, instead of thinking, "I've lost all this weight, and I've still been eating some things that I shouldn't". That doesn't last for long, and then I should have really paid attention to what it is that I put in my body everyday.
Now this year, I've had some upsets with having to change trainers (all of which is told on my regular blog Que?). The trainer, Ray Ray, who would become my last trainer has completely changed the way that I want to think. I don't have the money anymore to keep training, so I'm on my own, and the last thing I want to do is disappoint Aaron the Beast, or Ray Ray . . . or myself, but I have a problem.
My problem is that I don't have will power. None. I can't make myself do anything. I think about what it is that I'm supposed to eat, and I think about going into the gym, but I always find excuses. Ray Ray has been giving me workouts when I go to the gym to help me out, but now, I haven't even been to the gym in almost 2 weeks. I feel like this will never happen. I will never in my life know what it feels like to be thinner and healthy. Which has become so important to me. I love the energy and mindset I have when I'm eating right and working out. I love the fact that I'm stronger than most women, and some men. It gives me such a high, but I can't seem to remember that feeling when I'm sitting in Zios with Josh and Gabby and sucking down pasta.
I'm easily influenced by other people, too. Everyone else isn't as worried about this kind of stuff. I get influenced by my friends at work who love to eat all day long, and Josh and I have fallen into a pattern of eating out together ALL the time. My mom is constantly trying to feed me, and actually gets mad when I don't want to eat. And I have a hard time relating to other people about this stuff because I don't know other people who are as interested in this stuff as me.
So, now I know that I need to get back to basics. I need to go back to the beginning of my training with Aaron the Beast and start doing the things that work. Like having to write down everything that I eat everyday, and being accountable for it because someone else will see it (like anyone who reads this, although, unlike Aaron the Beast you won't be able to embarrass me by shouting, "YOU ATE CHEESE ENCHILADAS!" so everyone in the gym can hear you), and I need to write down my workouts, and I need to simply TRY!
I have also decided that I DO really love anything that deals with health and the human body, and I want to get certified to be a personal trainer and help other people. I can't very well be training people if I'm not healthy myself. It's a little hypocritical. And, my dream would be to someday own my own gym.
This blog is the best way I know right now to get back to basics, and maybe some random blog person will wander across this site and I can help them, too. To anyone who has never known what it's like to reach 240lbs. and be somebody you don't even recognize, this may all seem very trivial or maybe a little neurotic, and maybe it is . . . but for now, hopefully I can find some kind help for myself by doing it this way . . .
Tomorrow starts a new day. One thing I've learned is that you can't say, "I'll wait till Monday", after you've already ruined your diet or workout for the week . . . you have to get up and try to get back on the ball everyday, and try not to beat yourself up over eating a brownie tower at an Italian restaurant.
My little disclaimer here is that there is no easy way to get in shape. It's hard work, and you didn't gain weight over night, IT WILL NOT COME OFF OVER NIGHT! Everything I do is done the right way. It's a lifestyle change. The word DIET has gotten a bad rap. A diet is not something you go on. It's simply 'what you eat'. I don't take pills and I don't starve myself. I work out hard, and sweat, and have almost had to crawl out of the gym, but I, you will always feel ten times better once you do, and that's the feeling I have to remember!
